Disillusionment and discontent

     I used to be a very disillusioned person.  That became possible because I used to be a very naive person.  So when the real world presented itself, I was dumbstruck.  I always thought that I was "Street Smart", as it turns out that I was "Street Savvy", not so "Smart". I have a very strong intuition which helped me navigate different situations.  I am headstrong and sassy.  That's all you need, right?! I thought I knew all I needed to know about navigating through adulthood.  I was wrong!  I still allowed a lot of people to take advantage of me, and that led to the disillusionment.  The discontent is a result of allowing my life to happen to me.  I had the rug swept out from under me. I then stopped being an active player in my own life.  When people that promised to love and take care of you let you down, you have a tendency to not trust too easily after that.  If they can hurt you, anyone can. I secluded myself and my children into a cocoon of our own making.  We would go out and do things, but only together.  No one else was allowed.  It was easier that way. We were all just fine with this.  Sadly, they all have their own stories of being let down by people they trusted and loved.  I will have to admit, I am on that list.  I let them down, in my eyes, the worst.  They don't think that, but I do.  I should have been showing them how to bounce back, instead I showed them how to hide.  Giving very little of ourselves, and getting less back.  True to form, we had more and more people let us down and leave us.  This is what we expected after all, so they fulfilled our expectations. We won't even get into the subject of dating. That's a whole other therapy session.  

     When my youngest son was in kindergarten (he is now in 4th grade), one of the mom's of his classmates asked me if he could be on her son's soccer team that she was coaching. I declined.  I did not have the funds for extracurricular activities and I was not available to get him to practices and games due to my job.  Thankfully, she did not take no for an answer. (I declined several times) She got him a scholarship through the YMCA and drove him to the practices and games.  She also didn't take no for an answer when she would come over and make us go out with them.  She forced me out of my cocoon.  I was raw and scared.  My wings were no where near ready for flight.  Luckily, she knew this and carried me until I was ready.  She has continued to change my life in ways that I will never fully be able to thank her for. She pushes me out of my comfort zone and challenges me to be the best version of myself.  She tells me the hard things I need to hear, and she lifts my soul when it takes nosedive.  To say I am grateful for her friendship is an understatement. She saved my life.  I kept trying to retreat further and further into my world of self-loathing and self-pity.  She wasn't having it.  Thank God!

     She wasn't the first person to introduce me to Essential Oils, but she was the one that got me involved with dōTERRA. There is a saying that goes something like this... "When you help others, you help yourself". This could not be more true.  Taking the focus off of yourself and getting our of your own head for a while, can be the best medicine.  Using my Balance and Clary Calm oil blends doesn't hurt either.  I now I may sound like a broken record, but beginning to use Essential Oil seriously changed my life.  The ways that it has helped my family and myself  are exponential.  My friend and I have monthly education classes.  Teaching people about natural healthcare has been a lifelong goal for me. I love giving back.  When you spend your time looking for solutions, you forget to wallow.  Life no longer looks bleak.  It is worth fighting for and participating in.  Crazy concept for sure!    

    

     Today, I sit at my computer desk, designing future plans.  I am writing again, and it's not all about pain.  When it is, it comes from a very different place.  It's more of a letting go process than holding on for dear life.  Believe it or not, pain and bitterness actually make you feel alive when you feel little else.  I never felt utter despair, I just felt it wasn't worth it to put myself out there.  I wasn't letting any of the good in because the thought of the bad was not tolerable.  Pulling me out of my shell did not happen over night.  As much I would try to fight her, she never gave up on me. I was so used to people walking away when I would push them, I was out of my league with this woman!

     I now refer to myself as a work in progress.  Progress being the keyword.  I no longer have the unrealistic expectation of being somewhere in my life I am not meant to be yet.  In the past, that would open up the window to berate myself for not achieving what was expected of me.  Who was expecting it of me?  Who knows!  The box I thought I was supposed to live in was fabricated and difficult at best. Taking those first first shaky steps forward turned out to be the best change of my life. And, that's after having 4 kids (one with cancer) and raising them on my own. I now can finally show them what it looks like to move forward.  Sometimes I feel that old pull and wish it had happened earlier in my life, then I realize I am not where I once was.  And, that is perfect!  

      I have goals again. I see the light at the end of the tunnel again. I have hope.  I am taking charge of my health and my life.  The future looks bright again!  I am grateful every day. 

     I feel I am finally ready to fly....