Nervous Nelly

     I have anxiety.  Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. I feel it the most right before I take a big step forward in life.  I don't have what is called 'situational anxiety' (which is something like social anxiety, or only happens when "something is happening"). Mine is more like a low dull headache that is always there and can switch into a migraine at a moments notice (that's the best analogy I can come up with).  I can be sitting there doing some menial task and not even thinking of stressful things, and all of a sudden my heart is beating faster, my neck and throat feel numb, and my breathing is erratic.  I have had endless tests done, and they cannot find anything medically wrong. It's a good time let me tell ya!  It has to be my body's way of preparing me for great change.  The last time I felt it in the 'a lot' category, I was living in Florida. This time my anxiety feels a little different, as I do not have despair about my current situation as I did before.  You wouldn't have thought I was living in despair, but I was. I lived in a large beautiful home on a golf course and had a solid job.  I was miserable. From sun down to the moment I reared out of bed gasping for air in the middle of the night.  This was a daily occurrence.  I hid it for a long time.  I got really good at having a panic attack without anyone ever knowing. I was overwhelmed, alone, and living a life I did not want. So I took a huge step, quit my job, and returned to Colorado.  The problem was, I thought that I could return to the life I had prior to leaving.  I found myself in a situation where my home and job were anything but stable.  My landlord had gone into foreclosure as we moved in and my job was anything but healthy.  One day, as I returned home after being laid off from my job, I approached my front door to find a foreclosure notice posted for all to see.  All those voices telling me I was wrong for leaving came rushing in all at once.  But, I know I wasn't wrong. I had just made the leap out of fear and that's not going to get you anywhere.  I realized what I truly needed and that was to fall apart and rebuild.  I never had that opportunity after my son's illness and my ex-husband's grand escape.  My body and mind were screaming for it.  I was finally able to return properly to Colorado just over 4 years ago.  I found a situation that allowed me to care for my children, while caring for myself.  It's been a long, hard road back, but my head is finally above water and there is hope in my eyes again!    
  
     The first time I had severe anxiety, my boyfriend at the time, told me that he didn't want to renew our lease together. I was floored. I literally laid on my living room floor and listened to Pink Floyd's Division Bell on constant repeat.  I fell into a hole.  I vaguely remember my mother walking into my home, picking me up off the floor, and taking me to the doctor.  I am sure I scared the hell out of her.  I need to make sure I apologized for that!  The doctor gave me Xanax. It helped, but I didn't like how it made me feel once the anxious feelings subsided.  Throughout the course of my life, I have had several doctors that wanted to put me on a myriad of different medications. When my thyroid and parathyroid went bad, they told me I was a drama queen and put me on Welbutrin. My sister had just passed away, so according to them it had to be that.  I was depressed, not sick. It took a full year to diagnose me correctly. 

     So what's a Mama Bear supposed to do? I had to find a better way.  I have 3 kids that rely upon me for everything.  About a year ago I got back in to doing Yoga daily and amped up my Meditation practice.  This has helped. A lot.  But the low lying anxiety just never seems to cease completely. If I don't take care of it now, it can erupt at any time. I am not willing to try medications. There is nothing wrong with the people that do take them, but for me, they don't work.  Like literally don't work.  I tried.  As I am getting older, carrying this around gets harder and harder each day.

   The day that a friend of mine introduced me to Clary Calm, was the day things changed forever.  Clary Sage is a plant that has amazing calming properties, especially for women.  Many claims have been made regarding hormonal balance, cramp relief, and nerve sedative qualities. For me, this oil blend was a life changer.  Just ask my 15 year old.  Our daily drives to school used to be intense, stressful, and non-productive.  Today, she and I actually sit and share, laugh, and have calm conversations.  That alone is a miracle! I am also a fan of our Balance oil blend. Doing just as the name describes, bring it all back in balance. I mix it with Wild Orange in a roller ball for an uplifting boost. I have heard this combination referred to as the tantrum tamer. I have no problem calling my moods exactly what they are! I use Balance on my son before games and the coach always knows if we miss a day! I am also becoming very diligent in fixing my diet to remove sugar and all processed foods.  Wow, is that hard! Luckily, Basil oil is helping with my cravings while the other 2 keep me sane. Our new Yoga Collection has taken my practice to a whole new level. I am currently experimenting with our new Copaiba Oil as well.  

     I am feeling better and more in control with every passing day. All I can do is wake up each day and work on being the best version of myself.  Finding what works and doesn't work for me. That's all any of us can do, right?!

“These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent disease.”

     

Does this emotional baggage make me look fat?

     We have all heard the term "Emotional Baggage". Unless you are a newborn or made of steel, you have some sort of baggage.  Some of us carry around a small case, some of us require bellboy service. What we hold in those cases shape who we are as people and how we respond to the world around us. Being angry and untrusting, or open and loving are all a result of our past experiences. While I believe in positive affirmations and share many beautiful quotes to help us see the light, I know that it takes a lot of hard work to unload years of bitterness, sadness, and regret. I am fascinated by people that are able to let go of things easily.  I am not one of those people.  You can look at me and see everything I hold on to.  I have worn the fat suit of anger, shame, and fear for years.  I have been working hard over the last year on letting go. It's hard, I'm not even going to kid you. I had resigned myself to the fact that my story made me who I was.  Which is true, in a sense. Telling my story over and over again made me exactly who I portrayed myself to be.  A victim.  I was not allowing anything new in.  Just a constant loop of loss, pain, and sadness.  I figured it was better to keep the good out than to risk letting the bad in. 

     So what's a Mama Bear to do? That kind of thinking had to stop.  I wish I could enlighten you to the very moment that it did, but I can't.  All I know is that it finally did.  I don't remember there being an earth shattering extravaganza happening.  I do know there was a series of things going on, and they all had to do with me stepping out of my comfort zone.  Maybe the stepping out repeatedly, which was a chore by the way, made it easier to no longer live in that loop.  I challenged myself to say yes to my life. As much as I wanted to hide out, as I had been doing, I am so glad I said YES!

     I also began to love myself.  That was hard. I'm not sure I ever really had before.  There are people that hurt me badly, that I found easier to forgive than myself.  But, by loving myself, it made it worth all the effort I needed to conquer my pain. About a year and a half ago, I had a health scare that really woke me up. This was not just about me. It was very selfish for me to not do this for my kids. I couldn't serve from an empty cup, and they needed me to step it up. Things began to get easier and easier as time went on.  I began to read and reread books that helped me get back on track.  I read books that were in the self help category and books that furthered my education of healthy eating and fitness. I became focused on my health and living an all-natural, healthy lifestyle.  Now, instead of berating myself because of all the years that passed that I didn't do what I should have, I now just call myself a late bloomer!  Better late than never, right?! I have so much gratitude for my friend that gave me the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. That was a game changer for me. It took me reopening it years later to have it finally click. Reading the autobiographies of Mary Kay Ash and Henri Landwirth were also very impacting on me, but I digress. 

     The next thing I did for myself is jump head first into a company that I really believe in.  It fully aligned with my desire for an all-natural solution to pain relief, emotional support, and appetite control. I was sold. I have been called bad names, ridiculed and unfriended because of joining up with a direct sales company. Which is fine, I'm ok with that. I'll just use my ClaryCalm to diffuse that emotional upheaval! If I were to ever feel like I was forcing someone to try something against their will, I would quit on the spot. But, until that day, I will educate and share. 
  
     I remember during some of my darkest days, I would cry alone in my bedroom (or closet, or bathroom, or wherever the kids couldn't find me) and ask "Why me?"  Was I really that bad of a person to deserve such pain? Why were my children meant to suffer and live without? Why couldn't I bounce back like other people do? Why was I meant to do all this alone? I played the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. A lot. I know that I was a drag to be around.  So, I retreated. I built huge walls around my heart and my life.  I became invisible.  Thankfully, I have people that didn't give up on me.  For that, I am forever grateful.  But, I was still the one that had to do the work. It was easier to hide, wallow, and throw my pity party. No one can hurt you if you don't let anyone in.  But, I already knew how that party ended and it was time to try something new. As the saying goes, "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." It was time to Stop the Insanity!  

     The last thing I did was really open myself up to the possibilities of life. I began a gratitude journal and now focus on what we have, instead of what we don't.  I noticed all the smart powerful women that I was surrounding myself with and realized I had always done that.  It was to time to really embrace that part of my life. I retrained my brain to see opportunities instead of hurdles. I now know "Why Me".

     There are many things that have happened in my life that would shock the pants off of some of you. There are things that have happened in my life that I regret and am ashamed of. There are things that have happened in my life that I could remain angry about until the day I die. Because of all of the "things", I am who I am today. I am a woman that is ready to help other women that need to be pulled out of their sea of despair. I have built up a hard armor in order to carry the weight of their plight until they get their barrings.  I built walls around my heart so that the compassion I need to guide them through, wouldn't escape. I was blessed with 4 children when I had no experience with children, so I could raise humble, empathetic souls that would become my partners. I have lost, gained, and lost again friends, things, homes, jobs, money, and love so that I can know exactly where they are coming from. I am a woman that can empower and inspire, because I too, was empowered and inspired. 

      I recently watched a video with Will Smith, that I will share with you. This really spoke to me. I actually wish I would have seen it 10 years ago!  This was a lesson that took me a long time to learn. Taking responsibility for my life changed everything. I could rightfully place blame on other people that hurt me for the rest of my life, but I would never move forward. I now know that my life experiences are a gift that I would be remiss if I did not share.  Because I have always marched to the beat of my own drum, then it makes perfect sense for my dream to be realized as it will be.  

     I'm not going to lie and say that self-doubt doesn't make an appearance every now and then, or that I am happy and motivated 24/7. That's not realistic.  I have just devised some good coping skills for those days and a support system in place to get me right back on track!  I will always be a constant work in progress, but I am no longer weighed down in despair.  That alone makes all the difference in the world.