Does this emotional baggage make me look fat?

     We have all heard the term "Emotional Baggage". Unless you are a newborn or made of steel, you have some sort of baggage.  Some of us carry around a small case, some of us require bellboy service. What we hold in those cases shape who we are as people and how we respond to the world around us. Being angry and untrusting, or open and loving are all a result of our past experiences. While I believe in positive affirmations and share many beautiful quotes to help us see the light, I know that it takes a lot of hard work to unload years of bitterness, sadness, and regret. I am fascinated by people that are able to let go of things easily.  I am not one of those people.  You can look at me and see everything I hold on to.  I have worn the fat suit of anger, shame, and fear for years.  I have been working hard over the last year on letting go. It's hard, I'm not even going to kid you. I had resigned myself to the fact that my story made me who I was.  Which is true, in a sense. Telling my story over and over again made me exactly who I portrayed myself to be.  A victim.  I was not allowing anything new in.  Just a constant loop of loss, pain, and sadness.  I figured it was better to keep the good out than to risk letting the bad in. 

     So what's a Mama Bear to do? That kind of thinking had to stop.  I wish I could enlighten you to the very moment that it did, but I can't.  All I know is that it finally did.  I don't remember there being an earth shattering extravaganza happening.  I do know there was a series of things going on, and they all had to do with me stepping out of my comfort zone.  Maybe the stepping out repeatedly, which was a chore by the way, made it easier to no longer live in that loop.  I challenged myself to say yes to my life. As much as I wanted to hide out, as I had been doing, I am so glad I said YES!

     I also began to love myself.  That was hard. I'm not sure I ever really had before.  There are people that hurt me badly, that I found easier to forgive than myself.  But, by loving myself, it made it worth all the effort I needed to conquer my pain. About a year and a half ago, I had a health scare that really woke me up. This was not just about me. It was very selfish for me to not do this for my kids. I couldn't serve from an empty cup, and they needed me to step it up. Things began to get easier and easier as time went on.  I began to read and reread books that helped me get back on track.  I read books that were in the self help category and books that furthered my education of healthy eating and fitness. I became focused on my health and living an all-natural, healthy lifestyle.  Now, instead of berating myself because of all the years that passed that I didn't do what I should have, I now just call myself a late bloomer!  Better late than never, right?! I have so much gratitude for my friend that gave me the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. That was a game changer for me. It took me reopening it years later to have it finally click. Reading the autobiographies of Mary Kay Ash and Henri Landwirth were also very impacting on me, but I digress. 

     The next thing I did for myself is jump head first into a company that I really believe in.  It fully aligned with my desire for an all-natural solution to pain relief, emotional support, and appetite control. I was sold. I have been called bad names, ridiculed and unfriended because of joining up with a direct sales company. Which is fine, I'm ok with that. I'll just use my ClaryCalm to diffuse that emotional upheaval! If I were to ever feel like I was forcing someone to try something against their will, I would quit on the spot. But, until that day, I will educate and share. 
  
     I remember during some of my darkest days, I would cry alone in my bedroom (or closet, or bathroom, or wherever the kids couldn't find me) and ask "Why me?"  Was I really that bad of a person to deserve such pain? Why were my children meant to suffer and live without? Why couldn't I bounce back like other people do? Why was I meant to do all this alone? I played the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. A lot. I know that I was a drag to be around.  So, I retreated. I built huge walls around my heart and my life.  I became invisible.  Thankfully, I have people that didn't give up on me.  For that, I am forever grateful.  But, I was still the one that had to do the work. It was easier to hide, wallow, and throw my pity party. No one can hurt you if you don't let anyone in.  But, I already knew how that party ended and it was time to try something new. As the saying goes, "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." It was time to Stop the Insanity!  

     The last thing I did was really open myself up to the possibilities of life. I began a gratitude journal and now focus on what we have, instead of what we don't.  I noticed all the smart powerful women that I was surrounding myself with and realized I had always done that.  It was to time to really embrace that part of my life. I retrained my brain to see opportunities instead of hurdles. I now know "Why Me".

     There are many things that have happened in my life that would shock the pants off of some of you. There are things that have happened in my life that I regret and am ashamed of. There are things that have happened in my life that I could remain angry about until the day I die. Because of all of the "things", I am who I am today. I am a woman that is ready to help other women that need to be pulled out of their sea of despair. I have built up a hard armor in order to carry the weight of their plight until they get their barrings.  I built walls around my heart so that the compassion I need to guide them through, wouldn't escape. I was blessed with 4 children when I had no experience with children, so I could raise humble, empathetic souls that would become my partners. I have lost, gained, and lost again friends, things, homes, jobs, money, and love so that I can know exactly where they are coming from. I am a woman that can empower and inspire, because I too, was empowered and inspired. 

      I recently watched a video with Will Smith, that I will share with you. This really spoke to me. I actually wish I would have seen it 10 years ago!  This was a lesson that took me a long time to learn. Taking responsibility for my life changed everything. I could rightfully place blame on other people that hurt me for the rest of my life, but I would never move forward. I now know that my life experiences are a gift that I would be remiss if I did not share.  Because I have always marched to the beat of my own drum, then it makes perfect sense for my dream to be realized as it will be.  

     I'm not going to lie and say that self-doubt doesn't make an appearance every now and then, or that I am happy and motivated 24/7. That's not realistic.  I have just devised some good coping skills for those days and a support system in place to get me right back on track!  I will always be a constant work in progress, but I am no longer weighed down in despair.  That alone makes all the difference in the world.